Follows, in 500 words or less, is a short article on sex appearing in The Abbotsford Times Friday, September 12. Enjoy!
According to a Canadian survey, Canadians like to add some mango to their tango quite regularly. In other words, Canadians like to have sex. This is true in all parts of Canada including places you'd least expect: uptight furrow-browed Toronto, for example, and the buckle of the Bible Belt, Abbotsford.
Of course, in the Bible Belt, the missionary's position on sex takes prominence whereas in Toronto they just build really tall towers and cheer for bad hockey teams.
Before I round the corner of first, I should state my position on sex: Creator God, in Genesis 1-2, creates us with the capacity to experience pleasure and enjoyment intending that man and woman would have sexual desire for each other to be enjoyed within the confines of monogamous marriage.
Unfortunately, our first parents, Adam and Eve, then sin in Genesis 3, causing all kinds of dysfunction and turmoil. Instead of hanging out in a garden naked and without shame, they find themselves clothed, shameful, and looking for new real estate.
Good community becomes bad community, good relationship becomes bad relationship, and good sex becomes bad sex including adultery, homosexuality, friends with benefits, fornication, polygamy, girls in clear heels and guys with high-speed Internet connections and a box of Kleenex.
Historically, the church has responded in some rather harsh ways, including Lorraina Bobit-style surgeries, men living in desert caves by themselves, and, more recently, Mennonite-style seating. The conclusion being that sex is evil and should be completely avoided except for in the case of childbearing.
The truth, however, is that there is much biblical precedent for ongoing pleasurable sex between man and wife.
Sex, within the bounds of marriage, should be exciting and creative, hopefully frequent, and for the enjoyment of both husband and wife. Guys, this means that you need to slow down and do the hard work of romancing your wife instead of merely holding the "minute-man" title.
That said, I thought I'd pass on a few helpful hints to help around the home.
Following are real stats gathered by pollsters Ipsos-Reid on Canadians' favourite mood-setting techniques. If they work, feel free to thank me!
Fifty per cent of Canadians get in the mood when their spouse cooks their favourite dinner, signifying that a good shake and bake will add some real spice to your diet.
Next, talking sweet words of love clocks in at 43 per cent, suggesting that suggestive words go a long way.
Further, 39 per cent say that lighting candles does it for them.
Playing soft music sounds the song for 38 per cent of Canadians, while playing a game rings the buzzer for 22 per cent.
The classic, "going out for dinner and a movie" proves a failure, with only two per cent agreeing that this gets them in the mood.
Finally, I leave you with my personal favourite and, sadly, least successful: five per cent of all Canadians get in the mood by listening to the 1970s rock band Kiss.
This accounts for more than 1.6 million very odd Canadians and the clear and obvious reason why I needed to write today's column.
Enjoy your weekend [wink wink]!
- Jeremy Postal pastors twenty-somethings at Christian Life Community Church in Abbotsford and can be reached at email@example.com